so. i think it is fitting that my last blog post was almost a year ago because i’m back in the fucking shit hole i was in then.
b has melanoma. and it has spread to pretty much all of her body. she has no hair. she finished full brain radiation and now we are waiting for her to start IL2 soon.
as horrible as i may be, i am unbelievably ANGRY at this entire process. i guess that is how grieving works though right? first you deny, then you get sad, then you get mad, then you accept. but i sure have been mad for quite some time.
i want another bottle of wine. i want a video project. i want a friend.
oh yeah, i dont’ have any friends anymore. they moved. and the others don’t care. and beth is sick.
so i sit downstairs and sulk and moan and groan.
i have so many emotions and they just don’t even want to come out because of how pissed i am at how i have let my life go. i’m pissed at myself for being angry that i had a shitty summer. i’m pissed at myself for taking it out on b. i’m pissed at b because she keeps holding me back. and i’m pissed at the world for allowing me at act this way.
i’m also pissed that j knows this and he can read me like a fucking book.
