b has melanoma. or so the doctor thinks. the sample is onto its 4th specialist. we should hear back soon about what it is.
i can’t even describe how destroyed i feel. this is worse than any feeling i have ever felt. i always thought that losing someone i loved hurt, but at least they were still there, they just didn’t want to love me anymore. instead, i could lose her when she still loves me. this is by far the most torturous feeling i can even describe. whenever i’m alone, all i can do is cry.
on saturday, she was trying to make me feel better about it by getting me to dance with her. each time i tried to dance all i could do was look at her and break down crying. i sat down at one point and said “i cannot dance with you right now” and turned away. she didn’t say anything or come up behind me, and when i looked at her, i saw her completely break down crying. it made me hurt so, so much inside.
there really are no words to describe how horrible i feel inside right now. absolutely none. it hurts so much, it’s like a physical pain. i wish i could be physically ill so that my insides wouldn’t hurt this much.
i can’t lose her. she is my everything. everything good that has happened to be lately has been because of her. she makes me feel so alive. if she was gone, i honestly don’t know how i could survive it. i never want to stop touching her or seeing her now because i want to spend as much time as i have with her.
i’ve read so much about melanoma cancers that its making me sick. i keep jumping to the worst conclusion. i wish i hadn’t read anything.
she is one of the strongest people i know. when we walked out of the dermatologists office and she hadn’t said anything to me, i knew something was up. she handed me the keys and still didn’t say anything until she was in the sunlight. then she just looked up into the sky and started crying. i already knew that something had to be wrong without her telling me. i just wanted to hold her close and tell her everything would be okay, i’m here for you, i’ll never leave you, and you will never leave me, but instead all i could do was try to comfort her and hug her while she cried and cried and cried.
she is too talented, loving, brilliant, amazing, beautiful, and brave to do this.
i was thinking last friday, the day before we found out, how amazing she is. i sent her a text telling her how much i love her because she is everything i could ever want. there isn’t one thing that i dislike about her and she is everything i could’ve ever asked for. i don’t want her to be taken from me so soon.
my heart is going to burst. i need to talk to someone about this so they know how much i hurt, but i need to wait. until then i’ll just listen to my jeff buckley and cry myself to sleep while i pray that she doesn’t leave me.
