i keep getting this uneasy feeling that i can’t really explain. i don’t want to make anyone mad or think less of me. i guess i have always had that problem though, but lately it has been heightened.
for example, nick sent me a facebook chat request yesterday while i was away from my computer that said “hey” and then he changed his status to something about “wanting to get out of his head”. he found out earlier on in the week about me and b and sent a text to jim that said “so i just found out my ex is a lesbian.” now, normally a facebook chat thing that says “hey” and i ignored it wouldn’ t mean anything, but unfortunately, it made me feel a little nauseous.
do i feel this way because of me and b and all the controversy surrounding it? do i feel this way because i’m depressed that i’m in omaha instead of in europe? or that i’m not spending the summer in np? or because i’ve spent every waking moment with b? or am i just going nuts?
i don’t fucking know.
i’ve been sad the past few days because b has been gone, but now she is back and i’m in here on my computer, listening to more sad jeff buckley and sigur ros. maybe i wasn’t sad because she’s gone. maybe i just need something new again.
this is what scares me about my future. i don’t like routine. i like things to be shaken up. i’m afraid i’m going to get bored. i’m convinced i probably will never find someone to spend my life with because i will get bored. when i get bored, i get angry. and i get angry with the people i like the most and i end up pushing them away.
it makes me wonder–who will break up with who? i bet she will with me. i’ll get grouchy and start taking it out on her. and nothing will be okay. and it will be all my fault and i’ll fall into a slump again that no one will want to deal with. like before.
i miss my violin.
