fuck

so. i think it is fitting that my last blog post was almost a year ago because i’m back in the fucking shit hole i was in then.

b has melanoma. and it has spread to pretty much all of her body. she has no hair. she finished full brain radiation and now we are waiting for her to start IL2 soon.

as horrible as i may be, i am unbelievably ANGRY at this entire process. i guess that is how grieving works though right? first you deny, then you get sad, then you get mad, then you accept. but i sure have been mad for quite some time.

i want another bottle of wine. i want a video project. i want a friend.

oh yeah, i dont’ have any friends anymore. they moved. and the others don’t care. and beth is sick.

so i sit downstairs and sulk and moan and groan.

i have so many emotions and they just don’t even want to come out because of how pissed i am at how i have let my life go. i’m pissed at myself for being angry that i had a shitty summer. i’m pissed at myself for taking it out on b. i’m pissed at b because she keeps holding me back. and i’m pissed at the world for allowing me at act this way.

i’m also pissed that j knows this and he can read me like a fucking book.

if only you’d come back to me

b has melanoma. or so the doctor thinks. the sample is onto its 4th specialist. we should hear back soon about what it is.

i can’t even describe how destroyed i feel. this is worse than any feeling i have ever felt. i always thought that losing someone i loved hurt, but at least they were still there, they just didn’t want to love me anymore. instead, i could lose her when she still loves me. this is by far the most torturous feeling i can even describe. whenever i’m alone, all i can do is cry.

on saturday, she was trying to make me feel better about it by getting me to dance with her. each time i tried to dance all i could do was look at her and break down crying. i sat down at one point and said “i cannot dance with you right now” and turned away. she didn’t say anything or come up behind me, and when i looked at her, i saw her completely break down crying. it made me hurt so, so much inside.

there really are no words to describe how horrible i feel inside right now. absolutely none. it hurts so much, it’s like a physical pain. i wish i could be physically ill so that my insides wouldn’t hurt this much.

i can’t lose her. she is my everything. everything good that has happened to be lately has been because of her. she makes me feel so alive. if she was gone, i honestly don’t know how i could survive it. i never want to stop touching her or seeing her now because i want to spend as much time as i have with her.

i’ve read so much about melanoma cancers that its making me sick. i keep jumping to the worst conclusion. i wish i hadn’t read anything.

she is one of the strongest people i know. when we walked out of the dermatologists office and she hadn’t said anything to me, i knew something was up. she handed me the keys and still didn’t say anything until she was in the sunlight. then she just looked up into the sky and started crying. i already knew that something had to be wrong without her telling me.  i just wanted to hold her close and tell her everything would be okay, i’m here for you, i’ll never leave you, and you will never leave me, but instead all i could do was try to comfort her and hug her while she cried and cried and cried.

she is too talented, loving, brilliant, amazing, beautiful, and brave to do this.

i was thinking last friday, the day before we found out, how amazing she is. i sent her a text telling her how much i love her because she is everything i could ever want. there isn’t one thing that i dislike about her and she is everything i could’ve ever asked for. i don’t want her to be taken from me so soon.

my heart is going to burst. i need to talk to someone about this so they know how much i hurt, but i need to wait. until then i’ll just listen to my jeff buckley and cry myself to sleep while i pray that she doesn’t leave me.

i like the peace in the backseat

i keep getting this uneasy feeling that i can’t really explain. i don’t want to make anyone mad or think less of me. i guess i have always had that problem though, but lately it has been heightened.

for example, nick sent me a facebook chat request yesterday while i was away from my computer that said “hey” and then he changed his status to something about “wanting to get out of his head”. he found out earlier on in the week about me and b and sent a text to jim that said “so i just found out my ex is a lesbian.” now, normally a facebook chat thing that says “hey” and i ignored it wouldn’ t mean anything, but unfortunately, it made me feel a little nauseous.

do i feel this way because of me and b and all the controversy surrounding it? do i feel this way because i’m depressed that i’m in omaha instead of in europe? or that i’m not spending the summer in np? or because i’ve spent every waking moment with b? or am i just going nuts?

i don’t fucking know.

i’ve been sad the past few days because b has been gone, but now she is back and i’m in here on my computer, listening to more sad jeff buckley and sigur ros. maybe i wasn’t sad because she’s gone. maybe i just need something new again.

this is what scares me about my future. i don’t like routine. i like things to be shaken up. i’m afraid i’m going to get bored. i’m convinced i probably will never find someone to spend my life with because i will get bored. when i get bored, i get angry. and i get angry with the people i like the most and i end up pushing them away.

it makes me wonder–who will break up with who? i bet she will with me. i’ll get grouchy and start taking it out on her. and nothing will be okay. and it will be all my fault and i’ll fall into a slump again that no one will want to deal with. like before.

i miss my violin.

i wanna fucking tear you apart

i have come to the conclusion that i should not be left alone. ever.

because here i sit, depressed. why? i have no fucking clue. i’m in my room. i have shit i could be doing. but it’s so mind-numbing that i don’t want to do it. so i sit at my computer doing absolutely nothing once again.

i feel like i need another change, but i don’t want another change.

i wish i had a porch or a patio, or a backyard. i wish i could go for a run in my neighborhood without the fear of being mugged. i wish i could go have a cigarette in my car but i need to be on the way to somewhere, and where do i have to go? no where.

you thought it was only in movies

summer time, and the living’s easy.

starting to work 40+ a week, which is always good. money for rent.

b is staying with me for a bit until her house is ready. couldn’t be happier.

i’m going to start writing again this summer. i’m actually going to do a good job. not going to fuck around. time to get my shit on paper so i can maybe have a job when i graduate so i’m not a barista forever.

starting the diet tomorrow. TOMORROW. kind of excited for it actually. going to start my food diary up again probably. I think i’m currently at 140–we will know the exact number for sure tomorrow. but at this point in time, my goal is 15 pounds. 20 if i’m ambitious. i’d really like it to be 20. then i could be slightly skinny instead of just average. i think it would be attractive. maybe not. i don’t know. we’ll find out. hope i can stick this through. i’ve got to. need to. can’t wait.

iamundernodisguise

I am now 21.

Therefore, I am drinking a glass of wine and eating a granola bar. Mmm.

I have one test on Monday, one 10-page paper due Monday, one 20-page paper due Tuesday, and one 20-page paper due Wednesday. I also have my website due Wednesday and my portfolio due Friday. I move into my new place tomorrow. I have to work all day tomorrow and Saturday. I have the potluck on Saturday (SO STOKED).

Still in love. Still happy.Wish it was sunny. Wish it was summer. Wish I could sleep. Wish I could get all my stuff done. Wish I didn’t have any more stuff to get done. Wish I had money.

I wish i wish i wish.

J is back on Facebook.

clicking keyboards

i’m in the library. woot.

i’m not doing work-study anymore this semester. woot.

plans for the afternoon:

grocery shopping. desparately need milk, pita chips, naan, and orange juice.

visit S at [work]. really want a beverage. fo free.

work on homework. will this happen? probably not. should it? definitely yes.

do dishes. paint nails. clean room. start packing. call real estate place to figure out what the hell is going on with our apartment. figure out how hellacious finals week is going to be.

go out to dinner with b. yippee!

go to bed early because i have to work at the ass crack of dawn tomorrow. boo.

i went to a concert last night. it was pretty good. i accidentally outed the lead singer to b. bahaha.

b and i are sending andrea gibson lyrics back and forth. i held b’s hand yesterday on campus in daylight. as much as i’ve wanted to do it, i really think the poem i posted yesterday helped me along:

“fear is only a verb if you let it be. don’t you dare let go of my hand.”

i don’t know if i should apply for the newspaper again this next year. i kind of want some time off, but it is also my passion. i love putting it together. but i’m also really into gsa stuff right now, especially with my new position. there are so many things i want to accomplish but i am either a)too busy or b)too lazy or c)not motivate enough to finish what i want. i kind of want everything to just sloooooooow down so i can enjoy my last few years of freedom before i have to be an adult.

i do

i saw a slam poet the other night. she captivated me.

i do — andrea gibson

I do , I do , i do
I do, I do i do
i do
but the motherfuckers say we can’t
cuz you’re a girl
and i’m a girl
or at least something close
so the most we can hope for is
the nuns of reunion in vermont
but i want churchbells
i want rosary beads
i want jesus on his knees
i want to walk down the aisle
and see the patriarches smile
that’s not true
but i do want to spend my life with you
and i wanna know 50 years from now
when you’re in a hospital room
getting ready to die
when visiting hours are for family members only
i wanna know they let me in
to say goodbye
cuz i’ve been 50 years memorizing
the way the lines beneath your eyes
form rivers when you cry
and i’ve held my hand like an ocean at your cheek
saying baby, flow to me
cuz fifty years i’ve watched you grow with me
fifty years of you never letting go of me
through nightmares and dreams
and everything in between
from the day i said buy me a ring
buy me a ring that will turn my finger green
so i can imagine our love is a forest
i wanna get lost in you
and i swear i’d root
like a wildflower
every hour for fifty years i was with you
and that’s not to say we didn’t have bad days
like the day you said that check-out clerk is so sweet
and i said i’d like to eat that check-out clerk
and you said honey that’s not funny
and i said baby and maybe you can take a fucking joke
every now and then
so i slept on the couch that night
but when morning came you were laughing
yeah there were times we were both half in
and half out the door
but i never needed more than
the stars on your grin
to lead me home
for fifty years you were my favorite poem
and i’d read you every night
knowing i might never understand
every word but that was ok
cuz the lines of you were
the closest thing to hold me i’d ever heard
you’d say
this kind of love
has to be a verb
we are paint on a slick canvas
it’s gonna take a whole lot to stick
and if we do, we’d be a masterpiece
and we were
from the beginning
living in towns that frowned at our hand-holding
folding their stares like hate-notes into our pockets
so we could pretend they weren’t there
you said fear is only a verb if you let it be
don’t you dare let go of my hand
that was my favorite line
that and the time when we saw two boys
kissing on the street in Kansas
and we both broke down crying
cuz it was Kansas and
what are the chances of seeing
anything but corn in Kansas?
we were born again that day
i cut your cord
and you cut mine
and the cords of time played
like a…. hope
like we could feel the rope unwind
the noose of fear loosening
loosening from years of
people like you aren’t welcome here
people like you cannot work here
people like you cannot adopt
so we had lots of cats and dogs
and once even a couple of monkeys
who we’d taught to sing
hey, hey, we’re the monkeys
you were crazy like that
and i was so crazy about you
that at nights you couldn’t sleep
i’d lay awake for hours
counting sheep for you
and you would rewrite the rythm
of my heart-beat
with the way you held me in the morning
resting your head at my chest
i swear my breath turned silver
the day your hair did
like i swore marigolds grew
in the fold of my eye-lids
the first time i saw you
and they bloomed the first time
i watched you dancing to the tune
of the kitchen kettle in the living room
in a world that could’ve left us
hard as metal
we were soft as nostalgic together
for 50 years we feathered wings
to white to be prayed
and we flew through days strong
and days as fragile as sandcastles
in high tide
you would fold your love into
an origami firefly
and throw it through my passage-ways
to all my hidden chambers
where it would..
every trapped door
my heart is open
because of you
because of us
i do, i do, i do
wanna be in that room with you
when visiting hours are for family members only
i wanna know they let me in
i wanna know they let me hold you
when i sing
i’m so in love with you
baby i’m so in love with you
goodbye

samskeyti

i know i just posted. but i need another one.

it’s easter. i’m listening to sigur ros.

my manager told me that i have the opportunity to work my way up the ladder at [company]. whenever someone tells me this i always shrug it off. i’m in college. i go to a prestigious college. i get good grades. and i have a righteous resume.

but that comment made me scared shitless. i am going to be the barista with a masters. i’m going to be the dead poet who lived paycheck to paycheck her whole life until someone finds her shoebox of words hidden in her closet . . . and that’s even being optimistic.

i could be the barista with a masters. and that’s it. i could die and not leave a mark. in six months from my death, everyone will have forgotten i was here.

its comforting sometimes to remind myself that if i screw up, it doesn’t matter because i’m going to die anyway and everyone is going to forget me. and at the same time it is the most terrifying thought.

i guess that is rather narcassistic. but why go through all the hard work and trouble in life to be forgotten.

this is a very strange thought. but i’ve been thinking about it a lot and it’s time it has a place to rest.

lately i’ve been thinking about the future. i’ve always said i don’t want to get married or have children. but knowing that the person i could potentially spend the rest of my life with and i cannot get married kills me.

i then think, well you must just want to get married. you can always marry a man. and then i go back to saying, i never want to get married or have children.

but with b, i don’t think that way. it’s not that that is what i want with her. but i wouldn’t rule it out with her. she makes me feel complete. i’ve never wanted the stereotypical suburban life with a husband, a dog, two kids and a double car garage. i’ve never wanted the 9-5 job, dinner duty at 6, and having the perk of my week handing out capri suns at a soccer game. i want to travel the world as a journalist. live by my own rules. forget plans. freelance. enjoy the simple beauties in life as well as the ancient.

and i can see b fitting into my plan perfectly. i know she has a big shot 9-5 job, but i don’t think she is into the suburban lifestyle either. and she said she would relocate. i know she was drunk when she said it, but she was meant for the sun. i could bring her the sun.

then i also get sad sometimes when i think about myself being a lesbian in my old age. just a generic lesbian with a generic lesbian partner. and it doesn’t satisfy me. but then i think about myself in my old age with b. not a lesbian. just a person. with the person i love. and i smile.

b was bragging about her gaydar the other day (even though it was totally off on me). and then i said that my gaydar sucks. “i guess i look more at the person, not the gender” is what i said to her. and she smiled.

i’m a sexual person. i know that. but maybe i don’t have a defined sexuality.

i want the person.

not the gender.

why’d you have to go and let it die

i’ve been writing a lot in my notebooks during class. unfortunately, i have not been keeping up here. but i will fill that in . . . now. that way i can throw away the hard evidence and leave my thoughts in binary coding across the internet.

not sure what day this was . . . some monday in march . . .

“last night, i went over to b’s. had a couple drinks, watched some tv, made a collage. went to her bedroom and now i am no longer a lesbian virgin. and i liked it. i’m starting to have a hard time defining my sexuality. i know i find women attractive. very attractive. and i thought i found men attractive too but i rarely look at them. i feel like i’m stuck saying i’m bisexual because i’ve been raised and conditioned by society to find men attractive.

but then i also wonder if i’m so crazy about b that i want to be a lesbian.

afterward we looked at each other for awhile before b tells me she’s in love with me. she tells me this repeatedly throughout the night. and i am so in love with her. i want to spend all my time with her and i hate that school is getting in the way of that (wtf? when have i ever thought that?).”

a couple days later . . .

“i decided i wasn’t going to talk to mom about b, glbt, anything like that. but it slipped out on the phone today. she got quiet and i could tell she was pissed/angry/sad/whatever. apparently i miss talking to her if it fell out. she’s not going to accept me for awhile. i wish she would. i wish she wasn’t ashamed of me.

i guess i need to find a new best friend.”

april 8th:

“we had elections at gsa last night. i won [position]. i’m excited for it. b came to the meeting drunk.

i don’t know if it was because she was drunk, because she didn’t go to work this morning, because she was prying at things i don’t like to talk about, or since i didn’t want to have sex so she said ‘goodnight’, or even that she wouldn’t give me a ride this morning, but she made me angry. i don’t really think any of these reasons really constitute me getting upset with her, but i was. is it my period? is it that i am spending too much time with her? is it that i don’t trust her enough to tell her these things that i don’t feel comfortable telling anyone?

i don’t think i’m going to see her today. probably tomorrow before she leaves. but maybe this four-day break will be good. i am going to miss her. but it is a good idea.

i’m not ready for her to know a lot of these things about me. i don’t want to scare her off, but i also don’t want her to have information about me.

i guess i’m having some serious trust issues.”